quick story

A healthy lifestyle

I saw it on Oprah! so it's gotta be true: A whole wheat/high fiber diet will cure all your ills--it will make you lose weight, it will prevent cancer, it will smooth away the wrinkles on your face, it will save your soul. It is the new black. A new 2-part, high-low, regimen begins at em manor.

Part 1--high fiber. Dinner tonight is a fabulous baked ziti casserole, with whole wheat pasta (fiber, 7 grams). This stuff can taste like sticks and twigs. Nevertheless, I've been looking forward to it all day, because I'm tired of chasing that low-carb Atkins thing--I miss pasta! So I made the sauce last night--browned the beef and hot Italian sausage in olive oil and garlic, then sluiced in the marinara. Tonight, I will build the casserole--cook the pasta, combine with sauce, ricotta and mozzarella cheeses in an oven dish and bake till the mozzarella cheese on top is a bubbly golden brown. Remove from oven, let cool, serve, and YUMMmmm.

Part 2--low beer. As part of the regimen, I am also limiting the amount of beer I will drink. I know, GAH! But in it's place, I will substitute a healthful Grey Goose vodka with a splash of tonic and wedge of lime--MMM-mm, and good for you too!

Look for me on the Oprah! show--I might just write the next healthy-living how-to.

2 things—Joey the scientist

Joey is still a little guy, but he learns something new every day.

1. It is possible to empty a good-sized tub of its water without pulling the plug. Simply introduce 2 brand-new boxes of tampons. Ancillary lesson: 80 fully-activated tampons make extremely heavy bags for mom to carry out to the trash cans.

2. It is possible to eat candy canes without unwrapping them. Simply chew them up as is. Ancillary lesson: clear plastic wrappers from 2 candy canes are extremely tricky for mom to pick out from amongst and between my teeth.

Upcoming lessons--Pooing without toilet paper, and shopping without money.

Coming attractions

No time for a proper post today, but i'll set out what i've got planned for the coming days--

1. The many words for barf
2. Em's collecting obsessions
3. I need a Dictaphone
4. because I can’t f'ing remember the idea I had not 2 minutes ago for a post this week.
5. was it, what I’m gonna be for Halloween?

I'll include photos. But no barfy pictures. that would be gross.

2 things (Small victories)

1. I pushed Rovey down the porch steps last night. Not literally, but I did tell her no, no, and no as she repeatedly tried her best to leech a few more dollars/drinks/cigarrettes/whathaveyou out of me. She ran through her entire repertoire--first she asked for another hot tea with brandy and gave me the "Im so stressed and tired" routine (sorry, I'm all out). She quickly followed up with a request for "a shot of whatever that is you've got on the shelf in there" (sorry, it's all gone). Then she moved on to money--"can I just have a few dollars then em? And I'll leave you alone the rest of the night" (I'm broke Rovey). "Well I saw that jar with the quarters--can we go get that?" (No. I can't help you tonight). And as a last ditch effort, she tried to bum some cigarrettes (I don't smoke Rovey). I feel sorta bad but remain completely out of patience for this crap.

2. I tussled with that bigger and badder and eviler leech, the taxman, this morning, and made some progress. Apparently, I was supposed to *apply* for my tax rebate, but I swear I never got the damn application in the mail! I figured maybe it got sent to my old address, and I told them so, loudly, while I silently wondered if maybe I hadn't thrown it away thinking it was junk mail. The first real person I got on the phone (after waiting on hold for 15 minutes) told me that I missed the deadline (Oct 1) and would not be elegible for the rebate, "but please fill out the application and submit it." So I bellowed "WHY WOULD I FILL IT OUT THEN IF THERE'S NO CHANCE I'LL GET THE REBATE??!" He laughed and said he did not know but I should fill it out anyway. One name and phone number of supervisor later, I was speaking with another flunky, who also said apply anyway and gave up ID #s and PINs. Three phone calls later I was able to get someone to check my files, and LO! it was mailed to the wrong address!! But. I'll still be denied the rebate. When I'm notified, I need to file an objection or whatever it's called. Success! Sort of.

3. Yup, three. If any of you knuckleheads is looking for me, I'm working from home today (biiiggg finger quotes) and attending a meeting in Boston till Wednesday. I'll get back to you then!

Bye!

Monday miscellany

1. Joey is finally going into his Kindergarten classroom—YAY! The first 4 days were a trauma—a lot of crying and pleading and yelling from both of us. It was also a bit of a trauma for the principal as it turns out, as Joey kept her company in her office all day, alerting her to the ringing phone and otherwise assisting her with important school business.

2. That boy says the funniest things—as we drove to school this morning, we passed an old rundown carnival that was set up in Columbus Park. It was closed, since it was 8 a.m., and I must admit it looked forlorn. Joey: “Man, that carnival really let itself go.”

3. I have another job interview today at a small med ed company. I’d be doing what I used to do—sponsored projects. This would be cool (as long as the money is there), but it would mean I’d have to actually work again. Boo.

4. Oldest child Sam has been especially nasty and surly lately. I can’t get her to do a damn thing anymore. She’ll just flat-out refuse to vacuum the rug, in a snarl of curses. And this makes hot dark-red blood spurt from my ears and eyes. It’s a mess, let me tell you. I’m at my wits end. She has me in a near-constant state of emotional turmoil, so that on the rare moments that she has something non-surly to say, I’m unable to react appropriately. I hate it that I’m always mad at her.

2 things (rescuing Joey)

1. Had a strange dream Sunday night about Joey. In the dream, I was outside on the sidewalk in front of my house chatting with my brother, .rz, and I looked up, and there was Joey climbing out of the window and onto the 3rd-floor ledge of our house. Before I could get the words “JOEY GET BACK IN THAT WINDOW” out of my mouth, he fell off the ledge and landed on the porch roof just above my head. Dazed, he rolled to the edge of that roof, and before I could get the words “JOEY ROLL AWAY FROM THE EDGE” out of my mouth, he fell off that roof too. But get this—I caught him. he was heavy as hell and I fell down from the weight of him, but I caught that boy and saved him. The dream ended with me looking over at .rz and saying “did you just see that?” and him looking back, ashen, only able to nod uh huh. I call that a pretty good dream—tragedy averted through quick action. My dreams aren’t usually success-stories. Most boil down to a single emotion-cluster: frustration/failure. It’s a recurring dream—I’m on the soccer field and although I try my hardest, I can’t get off the shot on goal even though I’m right in the GD mouth of the goal--I’m wrong-footed or caught sitting back on my heels or just completely whiff the damn thing—it’s always the same outcome. So anyway, this dream was unusual.

2. Took Joey to his first day of Kindergarten at a new school today. He looked so handsome in his uniform—khaki pants, navy polo, and black dress shoes—all grown up! I got him as far as the corridor outside his class—“we’ll just check it out.” But that was it. He would go no farther. “Nope, not gonna happen.” I reasoned, cajoled, begged, bribed, and threatened. He was not going in that room. At one point I tried to walk him in while holding firmly to his upper arm (ok, drag him into the room) but he got his hands on both sides of the doorway, and I wasn’t going to get him through it without breaking an arm. So I retreated. Another teacher and the principal arrived and I was shooed away—“he’ll calm down as soon as you’re gone—this is mostly a show for Mom.” I slowly sidled away, back-tracked through the corridors and went out the back door. And as I walked across the parking lot to my car, I could hear that boy, from somewhere deep within that big building, “I WANNA GO HOME! I’M NOT STAYING IN THIS PLACE!!” Checked in with the principal at mid-day—he still hadn’t set foot in his classroom. So anyway, I think I need to catch him again, but I’m not sure how.

2 things (Stones and milestones)

1. Built another walled flowerbed on the rolling grounds of em’s estate last weekend. Stole most of the stones from a construction site this time. Also walked along Jacob’s Creek, where I (mis)spent my youth, and found some excellent cappers. It’s not done yet, but here’s the basic outline...

How about this plant?! It’s called Brugmansia, and I’ve had this one for about 3 years. It normally blooms several times each summer, but I think it’s not getting enough sun in its new home. Not much I can do about that.

2. My counter will roll over to 20,000 later this week. I’d have a contest with a fabulous prize to the commenter who clicks in right on 20,000, but I have no idea how to check that. So now what will I do with all these Tiffany geegaws, gimcracks, and knickknacks? I know what to do with the large bottles of expensive boutique vodka...

2 things (the sky is falling)

1. Birds come into this world every day and some of them die every day. It’s just that I’ve never actually seen a bird die, except for the unlucky bird that I once hit with the car. They must go off somewhere and hide and expire quietly. But the other day, I was walking along South Clinton and a bird just tumbled right out of the sky and smashed beak-first right into the pavement in front of me. Maybe it was it a myocardial infarction...

2. Cicadas are big, clumsy, and buzzy—the B52 of bugs. While gardening on Sunday, a cicada fell out of the sky and landed on my head. The buzzing and thrashing and flailing were not limited to the bug-bomb struggling to free itself from my hair. After I finally shook it out and batted it into the next county, I noticed the 10-year-old boy standing on the sidewalk, watching. “GAH! Did you just see that bug fall on me??!!” That damn boy is still standing out there laughing it up. Go home boy!!

I hope there are no satellites or other space trash reaching the end of their orbital periods. These things probably come in threes...

2 things (pushing buttons)

1. I opened the trunk of my car instead of the rear window this morning. Luckily I was at a red light instead of hurtling down the interstate. Stupid button shouldn’t be designed to feel exactly like the window buttons. But if you’re gonna make all the buttons the same, put the trunk-opening button somewhere safe. Damn thing scared me—it made the car suddenly jounce and when I looked in the rear-view, all I saw was the white of the trunk lid. I didn’t know what to make of it. Cuz I’m stupid like that sometimes.

2. I’ve created a monster! Joey thinks he’s a vampire. It started yesterday afternoon. “Here's the deal Joey,” I said, “to turn into a vampire, you must drink 3 cups of ... *assumes bad Transylvanian accent* ... bloody red juicey!” He bounced up and down at the thought, and asked if he could have “minions.” Cracked me up. (I told Katie he said he wanted minions, she said, “What’re minions?” Henchmen, honey. You know, a 5-year-old shouldn’t have a better vocabulary than an 11-year-old.) He spent the rest of the evening showing me how he runs like a vampire. (It involves bending forward and holding your arms outstretched behind you, presumably to manage the long flowing black cape.) This morning, still feeling immortal from all that juicey, he asked, “How do humans walk in these things?” as he sloughed off to the car in his new pair of Spiderman flip flops.

He makes me laugh.

2 things (parties)

1. Teenie bopper party on Friday went as well as could be expected. No one, including me, got any sleep whatsoever. I went to bed at a decent hour, but I kept jarring awake, ears pricked up to 10, listening for sounds of misbehavior, thinking "ok, where are those boys?!"

What they ate: a 3-gal container of ice cream, 4 3-liter bottles of soda (caffeine free, natch), a 12-pack of bottled water (mine! :-( ), a box of Fugdeicles, 3 hefty-bags of chips (potato, nacho, tortilla), and the biggest vat of chili you ever saw. I had made (I thought) enough chili to feed the starving teens as well as my guests on Saturday, but I thought wrong.

I survived.

2. The farewell party for J+K on Saturday was a blast--started at 2 in the afternoon and continued on till 1 am or so--the sign of a good party I think. The bad news--I failed to reclaim my ping pong title.

What we ate: lamb, spiral cut honey-baked ham, assorted fresh pies, cucumber and tomato salad, fresh fruit salad, a sliced tomato and mozzarella configuration, baby greens and feta cheese salad, pasta salad with cheese and sausage, chili (I made another vat late Friday night), chips chips and more chips, wine wine and more wine, and beer beer and many more beers.

Still a bit shaky 2 days later.

Odd role reversal for the weekend--Katie, who I allowed to have a coed sleepover on Friday night, became enraged at me when I invited a (male) friend from out of town sleep in the guest room on Saturday night. Boy can she be unreasonable and suspicious and bossy--and I didn't even do anything!!