Uh oh, 3 minutes til Judge Wapner. Uh oh, 2 and a half minutes til Judge Wapner

I've finally figured it out. I have struggled throughout my life in relationships because . . . I am autistic. Unfortunately not of the savant variety. 

Autism--characterized by great difficulty in communicating with others, inability to understand jokes or read between the lines and a somewhat unintentional lack of consideration for those outside of their 'sensory independence'; their independent world.
--Wikipedia

Great difficulty in communicating with others, inability to understand jokes or read between the lines...
My marriage--characterized by put downs, bullying, bellowing, and general brutishness. A representative snapshot: I never got any presents. Well, almost never. Together 15 years, that's 15 Christmases, 15 birthdays, 15 Valentines Days, and 15 anniversaries, plus birthing 3 big beautiful babies (hell yes that's a gift-giving situation). I got maybe 5 gifts total. Mostly I ignored it, because life's too busy and money's too tight for a token gift every time you turn around. But it irked. And when I would remark, the reaction was swift, loud, and clear--you don't deserve them. OK fine whatever but I've clearly missed something here I'm a sociable accommodating spouse who works full time while raising 3 children and maintaining a household but I don't deserve a present every once in a while? OK fine whatever maybe you're right. 

But sometimes, I'd get a little something--eg, an engagement ring. Yes, it was 2 years and 1 child after we were actually married, that's ok how nice thank you honey!!  But then came the story behind the ring--he had it made by jewelry-maker-friend/sister-of-former-boss, Skank Bitch Piece of Shit. The same SBPS who he had had an affair with only months after we were married, and while I was pregnant with our first child. He confessed the same day that he was fired from that job by SBPS's brother, only days after I had given birth. Spun it as a "I need to be totally honest with you" but my sense is he feared the next shoe to drop was going to be the word on that little on-site action, so he was pre-emptive, and I let him keep to his storyline.

However. I hated the fucking ring. Hated The Fucking Ring. Ugly asymmetrical design had an open band. Correct me here--isn't the band on a wedding/engagement ring supposed to be a closed *ring*? A circle, to signify everlasting faith, love, and commitment or some such nonsense? And hello, what am I supposed to make of a the fact that it was made by SBPS? Ummm, this would be OK with me why? But did I share my numerous reservations about the ring with him? No. I thanked him and praised him for the lovely gift and then buried it in my top drawer. Thereafter, I had to deflect the occasional "how come you're not wearing the 'jewelry' I bought you" queries, in particular juxtaposed with new holiday gift-giving opportunities. A simple "oh, my hands got a bit too big for it" usually assuaged.   

And a somewhat unintentional lack of consideration for those outside of their 'sensory independence'; their independent world.
And now I've done a stupid fucked up impulsive boorish selfish small mean miserly rotten thing. Driving home last night with Katie after her softball practice, we were talking about this and that and the other, and then I heard out of her mouth a standard line from the past--"Well how come you never wore any of the jewelry my dad gave you?"  And out it came, in about 10-12 angry words, surprisingly hot and enormously humiliating vomitus on the "jewelry that my dad gave you."

Sometimes I fucking hate myself.

Comments

[Co-lin]

I can't understand how a person as nice as you could have been with a person like that, is all I can say em.

It must be extremely tough to protect your kids from your feelings on the topic the whole time, so give yourself a break. I'm sure in time they will come to understand.

[Em]

Some of that definition of autism does ring an awful lot of bells here too, em. If you ask me it was a pretty stupid question that Katie asked anyway.

[em]

Colin, those are wise words. thanks man.

Em2, it's an epidemic! ;-)

[Greavsie]

Kids know how to push the buttons. I think it's because when they can't quite work something out they say something to judge it's importance by how you react.

[em]

oy. i just mumbled something along the lines of "i think i just said too much" and got a curt nod back...:-(

[Johnny the Horse]

I'm a little speachless. He sounds like the sort of bloke who needs to be sat on his arse a few times to knock some sense into him. (Does that translate into American?).

As for kids, I am sure I asked stupid and hurtful questions when I was too young to understand. They live and learn.

You are far too articulate to be austistic anyway.

[anon]

ahhh Em.
Well.
What can i say.
Except i KNOW what you feel.
The other day my middle one said
"Aw Mummy, wouldn't it of been so much nicer if we could of had a rich mummy as well as a rich daddy. You're poor aren't you Mummy."
There are no words to describe how much that hurt.
And in retaliation i was wrong.
"Well if your 'rich' daddy had given Mummy the money he was meant to then Mummy would of been."

By The Way.
I hope you know who this is. I can't be blatant about my identity due to mentioning the kids. But felt like i had to comment. Just in case you dont know..
De hems. :)

[em]

aw, thanks anon. course I know who you are. :-) we need to do that again soon.

[.rz]

you've got it aaaalllllll wrong here -
i'm the autistic one in the family -
you're the smart funny good looking one.
.rz
ps - can i give joe my old cell phone?

[em]

sure, if you pay the fee each month! :-)

[julzine]

Oh, thank goodness you're shed of that shambling horror. Picking apart your very soul, forsooth!

Fifteen years in a hostile climate!!! Man. Of course you're twitchy and isolated. And raising your kids. Try not to feel disgusted witcherself -- look how much drek you're dealing with! If you were someone else (clumsy, right? heh, stay with me...) you'd be awestruck by you.

You KNOW you shine, right? If you didn't, you'da taken out a snotty barrista or the shambling h. and be in jail.

Besides, the twitch is bound to be gone by now.