...that attracts adult men with mental retardation? I'm not being flip or snotty about various romantic fiascos. I'm saying that grown men with mental retardation see something in me that draws them right on over.
I think they think I'm "nice." But Yo. I'm not.
*Checks*
Nope, not at all. Those of you who know me in the flesh will concur. I'm not a "Well! isn't she just the NICEST!!" kind of person. I have force fields. POWerful force fields.
Nevertheless, the bag boys at the grocery store near the office occasionally want to touch my hair and will reach right out and stroke my head while I dig in my pocketbook for the debit card. WTF guys!? Maybe if they weren't total strangers, and maybe if I knew where their hands had been last, this wouldn't startle me. But it does. And they want to talk to me too, tell me little stories about this or that personal triviality. As if I care. But now, somehow, I know all about the various siblings and cousins of the guy who insists on carrying my purchases from the liquor store out to my car even though he doesn't even work there, just loiters outside all day. His birthday is next month, as he repeatedly reminds me. He also finds a way to yet again run through stories about his cousins Dagmar and Connie et al. Yup, Dagmar. Gotta smile at that, but the question remains, what happens to my force-fields with this crew? Are they ineffective against anyone with an IQ below 95?
Quick story--I went to a very very small high school--250 kids grades 7-12. About 75% of the students were boarders, and the teachers and maintenance staff also lived on the school grounds.The maintenance staff lived in a dorm out near the football field that was called the Derelict Shack. Easy now, I didn't name it that. The guys were sketchy though--Tony was this filthy old coot who pulled on his smokes at his trach hole and reeked of whiskey. Seeing him spit out of that hole was an education. And Warren was soft and sweet, with a shy smile and a head that would duck away when you caught his eye. He was retarded, nearly blind, and deaf, and I thought the only thing he could say was his name, "Wah-when." I was wrong.
My best friend in high school, John, was the class cut up. WHAT a funny kid--a quick quick wit but not mean, despite...
OK, he had this stock set of practical jokes that worked well on Warren over and over. One was to unplug Warren's vacuum cleaner as he worked his way down the hall. It could take some time for Warren to realize the lack of power. (This gambit stopped working when the administration bought him the latest in vacuum technology--one with a headlight.)
I don't think Warren was all that old when I went to his school, maybe in his early 30s, which seems ancient to kids aged 12-18, but not to us olde folkkes, eh? At any rate, Warren was a sweet, kind man/boy who I completely ignored until he announced in front of all my snarky, flip, snotty peers "I luhv oo" to me as I sat on the smoking patio trying to appear cool. Oy. I'm still hearing about it. But holy cow what a sweet moment.
Force fields. It's lonely over here. Feel free to hoik out your blow-hole at me.
*holding my aching sides* - great, great story em.
Posted by: Daisy | March 08, 2004 at 08:46 PM
Why thank you Window! I will return the gracious gesture!
Posted by: em | March 09, 2004 at 08:56 AM
Hey --- don't forget the schizophrenic neighbor ! Isn't he obsessed with you ? Sometimes on my way home I see him on the sidewalk gazing down the street and I imagine he is looking for you ...
Posted by: Seanee | March 09, 2004 at 09:02 AM
yeah, he may require a post all his own. fool of a nutcase. but he's been leaving me alone lately.
Posted by: em | March 09, 2004 at 09:10 AM
What a great story! But my opinion shouldn't count for much since I find you very attractive and just can't stop myself from reaching over to stroke your hair!
Posted by: jj | March 09, 2004 at 09:29 AM
*claps hands*
VOOP!
force field is down. you can touch my hair anytime jj. but where have those hands been last?
Posted by: em | March 09, 2004 at 11:26 AM
I've long been a weirdo magnet myself, so I know whereof you speak.
Posted by: Snowball | March 09, 2004 at 03:11 PM
Thanks News. I appreciate it!
Posted by: em | March 09, 2004 at 03:17 PM
There was a guy in my hometown named 'Fast Andy.' Andy wasn't the brightest of candles in the rectory - in fact he was more than mildly retarded. He would walk or ride his bike around town, stopping at salons and bars for some human contact. He would walk into salons and ask women to scratch his back. Everyone figured he was harmless, so they would oblige him. "Oh, what a sweet young boy," and other such comments were made regularly.
Well, one day he walked into a salon and asked a woman getting her curls dried if she would scratch his back. She did, and it wasn't a minute later when another woman walked by and noticed Andy's... erm... "excitement."
Needless to say, Andy isn't allowed in salons anymore and out of the three bars in that tiny town, he is banned from two.
Moral of the story: Talk slowly, walk slowly, act stupid, and you get some touch.
Also... have you read 'Of Mice and Men?' I would be wary of the chromosomaly-challenged stroking my hair if I were you. ;)
Posted by: The Rev | March 10, 2004 at 07:40 AM
Rev, can't get your blog to talk to me tonight. hda much to say ;-)
Posted by: em | March 10, 2004 at 07:23 PM
It's back and happy, now. I'm running the thing off of my system at home and had a bunch of headaches last night with the blasted thing. I may be a geek, but sometimes even my own computer confuses the hell out of me.
Posted by: The Rev | March 11, 2004 at 01:42 PM
I appreciate it! Keep it up.
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